What Was That Again?

I wish you could read my mind

as it would clear up my words.

Pinterest wisdom

July 9, 2019

There are many reasons I can think of that make writing update posts difficult. Sometimes, I am still in the throws of processing recent findings and I’m just not ready to go public with the news, be it good or bad. There’s also the fact that sometimes words are woefully inadequate to truly get across what I want to express. The reality is, I can’t control how you will interpret what I write or say and you can’t know how I struggle to get my deepest intensions across.

To make my point, these were the most impactful words written on my recent biopsy report: 

“Metastatic adenocarcinoma consistent with history of lung primary.” 

Packs a punch doesn’t it. I think the radiologist got his point across pretty well but I still came up with a few of my own interpretations:

1)“WOW! They must have gotten me mixed up with someone else.”    

2)  “I knew I shouldn’t have had those 8 desserts and 6 glasses of wine.”                           

And my favorite:

3)  “ARE YOU  F***ING KIDDING ME!”                                             

Denial 

Pain and Guilt 

Anger

I haven’t yet worked all the steps for this latest round but I believe Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross would still be a tiny bit proud.

After more than a week of discussions and opinions followed by more discussions and opinions, we decided today that the best option is for me to go back on systemic treatment. Since Taxotere and Cyramza worked so well for me in the past, I will return to a similar doublet. Taxol will be the drug of choice this time around along with Cyramza. This regimen won’t be as toxic, but the trade off is time; i.e., instead of getting treatment once every three weeks, I’ll be getting treatment once a week for three weeks with one week off and repeat.

I again say farewell to my hair, eyelashes, eyebrows and appetite and Jim and I will rekindle our relationships with the nurses in the infusion room. In the meantime, I’ve been digging deep and unearthing my backup mojo. Looks like I’m going to need it.

Sometimes the reality of this crazy cancer world I find myself living in, sweeps the rug right out from underneath me. Yet, while I’m floundering through the air, I can often catch a glimpse of sublime love and gratitude.

I know this because I’ve interpreted that God works in mysterious ways.

7 thoughts on “What Was That Again?

  1. Oh, Peggy. You’re right. No words for how heartbreaking and gut wrenching. I am so sorry you have to go through chemo again. I wish that all of us who love you so dearly could each take a piece of this from you so you would not have to go through the effects of the treatment again.

    I am off this week if there is anything I can do to help. Even just come over and be with you.

    Christine

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  2. Dear One,

    Honesty is your Soul; Words are your Angels; Breath is your Source; Love is your Guide.

    In this partnership of life we all share, you are surrounded by so many who are visible and invisible.
    We gather together to lace you with strength, trust, community and resilience.

    I offer you my heart,
    Lynnie

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  3. Peggy,
    A beautifully written and heart wrenching piece to read. You are so right., God is God and we will never understand His ways, however He does make beauty from ashes , and you my dear are beautiful and showing everyone how to be a light even with great struggles. I love you cousin.

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  4. My heart goes out to you!! Hard to imagine how tough it is to take in those words! I admire so much your courage, honesty and beautiful spirit. Sending love, hope and healing prayers to you and your family. If there is anything I can do to ease this for you please let me know 🙏💕

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  5. Thank you for your message—We hope that your courage and stamina keep holding up—we love you so very much–if we can do anything please call

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  6. Peggy girl.. I love you and think about you all the time. The helplessness of we your friends is profound and sad.. would that we..I …could do something to ease your struggle , to take some of your fear and pain. If there is anything I can do from the great northeast, I will. Pray, of course.. send love to you and Jim and Leni.. and have faith in your indomitable spirit and grace. I love you.
    Sarah of the north.

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  7. Peggy and Jim:
    You are in our daily prayers. You have the strength of a thousand women and we have no doubt that you will, again, put this beast in remission.
    We love you old friend,
    Carol and Dan

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