I wish you could read my mind
as it would clear up my words.
July 9, 2019
There are many reasons I can think of that make writing update posts difficult. Sometimes, I am still in the throws of processing recent findings and I’m just not ready to go public with the news, be it good or bad. There’s also the fact that sometimes words are woefully inadequate to truly get across what I want to express. The reality is, I can’t control how you will interpret what I write or say and you can’t know how I struggle to get my deepest intensions across.
To make my point, these were the most impactful words written on my recent biopsy report:
“Metastatic adenocarcinoma consistent with history of lung primary.”
Packs a punch doesn’t it. I think the radiologist got his point across pretty well but I still came up with a few of my own interpretations:
1)“WOW! They must have gotten me mixed up with someone else.”
2) “I knew I shouldn’t have had those 8 desserts and 6 glasses of wine.”
And my favorite:
3) “ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME!”
Pain and Guilt
I haven’t yet worked all the steps for this latest round but I believe Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross would still be a tiny bit proud.
After more than a week of discussions and opinions followed by more discussions and opinions, we decided today that the best option is for me to go back on systemic treatment. Since Taxotere and Cyramza worked so well for me in the past, I will return to a similar doublet. Taxol will be the drug of choice this time around along with Cyramza. This regimen won’t be as toxic, but the trade off is time; i.e., instead of getting treatment once every three weeks, I’ll be getting treatment once a week for three weeks with one week off and repeat.
I again say farewell to my hair, eyelashes, eyebrows and appetite and Jim and I will rekindle our relationships with the nurses in the infusion room. In the meantime, I’ve been digging deep and unearthing my backup mojo. Looks like I’m going to need it.
Sometimes the reality of this crazy cancer world I find myself living in, sweeps the rug right out from underneath me. Yet, while I’m floundering through the air, I can often catch a glimpse of sublime love and gratitude.
I know this because I’ve interpreted that God works in mysterious ways.