Lung Cancer Awareness Month
SCANXIETY RATE. THE TENSION WHICH BUILDS PARTICULARLY AMONGST THOSE WHO HAVE OR HAVE HAD CANCER AS THEY MOVE TOWARDS THEIR REGULAR CHECK UP SCAN. HYPERSCANXIETY BEING THE PERIOD AS THEY AWAIT RESULTS!
10:00 p.m. Monday 11/20/17 – Delving into feelings, checking in with my body, not sure what it is telling me. Not sure I really want to know. What will the scan show in the morning? I send energy into all the places that feel stuck, take my melatonin and try to sleep with mixed results. Morning comes with me wondering if I slept at all.
6:00 a.m. Tuesday 11/21/17 – One of the many things that cancer has taught me about life is how deeply I must delve into the dark underbelly of emotions, for here are where the regrets and fears lie. The ‘what if’s’. The ‘if only’s’. This is where the ‘I wish’ taunting voices live. Am I doing and have I done, all that I can? I’ve sat in the recliner as the drugs of choice drip into my veins. I’ve sung, meditated, journaled, relaxed, studied, cooked, baked, visited, eaten, exercised, laughed, cried, prayed and loved. I’ve been vigilant with acupuncture and massage and energy healing and supplements. Has it been enough??? Thoughts run a continuous loop in my brain and I attempt to catch them. They are important, they tell me what reality I create. I write this all down preparing for a big bonfire.
6:45 a.m. Kaiser Lone Tree Office – Finger stick. Glucose is 83 (Wow, that’s good). Downstairs we go to where the big white PET/CT machine lives. Access my port, inject radioactive glucose, sit back and watch one hour’s worth of ‘Love Actually’ as the glucose is absorbed into my body so the camera can detect any cancerous metabolic activity. Scan time, I know the drill. Thank goodness I’m not claustrophobic, I am hungry however so I think about breakfast and try to stay awake so I don’t accidentally move.
9:45- Breakfast at Caitlyn’s Cafe. Guacamole and red pepper omelet, yum.
Home. Stay busy. Wait.
3:00 p.m. – Still waiting, waiting, waiting. In the past Vignesh has called very soon after my scan with results. The last two were really hopeful and he was relieved and happy as he delivered the news. He hasn’t called, yet. Busy day? Radiologists report delayed? Phone not working? (Nope, not that, just got a scam call) Bad news and he’s scoping out options? Really bad news and he’s delaying the news (we’ve gotten quite attached). Gone for Thanksgiving and forgot to tell us? Breathe…I’m ok.
What gives me peace right now, in this moment? Breathe…all is well. Breathe… I’m ok.
4:46 p.m. – Phone rings. Caller ID: Kaiser Oncology. It’s Paula, Vignesh’s nurse coordinator. What does this mean??? She has never called before!
Paula: ‘Doctor wanted to let you know we got the PET/CT scan results back and everything is stable. He will go over the results in more detail Monday at your appointment. Happy Thanksgiving!’
Stable disease. This is good news.